Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Blog Blog Blog or just Blah Blah Blah???

I started this blog quite a awhile ago with the intention and mindset that I had a lot to say and that I would be blogging all the time. That is not so much the case. When I started this blog, I guess I should've asked myself what type of blog I wanted this to be.

I have sat down at my keyboard many nights to type up a blog that I thought of during the day only to read it and say "ehh I don't really like that" so I save it, and read it later in case I change my mind only to delete it anyway. I have kept a journal off and on all my life and I am making it a goal to get better at this "blogging thing". With this goal I have decided that I'm not going to make this blog about anything at all. It's going to be whatever pops in my mind.

Hopefully it'll be worth reading most days.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

It's the little things....

"I'm hungry, when I get home I want pizza and hot dogs and ice cream and a sandwich, ok mama?"

This is what I hear tonight on our ride home from school/work. At the time I didn't think much about my 3 year old's request because it sounds an awful lot like most nights on the way home when my growing boy is starving and wants to eat at every restaurant between school and home.

Tonight, it was different. We got home and Hayden decided on a turkey sammich with "chwips" and some pickles because "pickles are soo dood" I sat across from him and watched him eat every single morsel on his plate tonight. It made me think back to when he was a small child just beginning to try out new foods each day. I love watching him find foods he enjoyed and even those that he didn't. Those foods he didn't provided much amusement for me as his little face scrunched into a funny little shape while he was spitting back at me those awful puree peas.

Tonight, it was different. Tonight I saw my boy eating his food so he could grow up to be "big and strong" I saw him growing into a very handsome young boy who has his own thoughts and opinions and his very own little personality. Staring at that sweet face as he took each bite melted my heart and I was overwhelmingly grateful for this little boy, he's happy, he's healthy he's loved and most of all, he's mine. He enjoyed each bite and smiled at me between bites to tell me about his day and who his friends were that he enjoyed "pwaying" with.

No, I didn't make a special gourmet meal tonight, I didn't slave over the stove for hours. I simply threw a couple of sandwiches together and enjoyed every little minute with my very special little man. I have so much to be thankful for... and it's the little things that get me by day to day.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Happy Birthday Not So Little Sister

A sister is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit, a golden thread to the meaning of life.  ~Isadora James

In 3 short days, my once wittle sistah will be 19 years old. NINETEEN years old. I never paid much attention when "grown ups" said, "Oh they grow up so fast, where does the time go?" ALL the time in reference to all of us children. I couldn't WAIT to grow up! It was NOT passing by quickly enough for me.

And now I sit here thinking to myself, I'm nearly 30 years old, with a child of my own and a baby sister nearly a decade younger than me. She'll be off on her own this weekend with her very best friends living it up and celebrating that 19 year birthday. "Oh they grow up so fast, where does the time go?" is all I can think of right now.

When I became an "adult" at 18 years old and moved out my sister was very young and I would to come to visit or take her to the park and she was just fun, funny, young and innocent. She kept getting older each year and I kept as my baby sister. she was the one I'd call to check on and say hello but never really talk about the "real" stuff because she was my baby sister. As I got older every year and had my own child I realized everyone around me got older too. I hadn't given her enough credit.

I went through a very difficult time after I had Hayden. I moved my entire life back home and would sit and cry and think, "What is this? What have I done? How could this happen?" Who sat there with me through it all you ask? My sister. My baby sister who I didn't give any credit to before that very moment. She spent time with me, she talked to me, she held me, she was there for me. She grew up.

One day I had a bad day and my first thought was to call my sister, then I sat there thinking to myself, how unusual for her to be my first call. Then there I was again, at that moment; she grew up and was mature beyond her years. She was an adult. She knew exactly what needed to be done. She was wonderful with Hayden. She would hold him in the early morning hours so I could get some sleep from being exhausted all day with a new born baby. She fed him, cleaned him, played with him, loved him. She grew up.

Now don't get me wrong when I say that it's unusual for me to call my sister first, it's not that we aren't close but there is almost a decade between us. I don't care if it were a decade or 1 year, I don't buy the fairy tale that you don't fight with your siblings and that sometimes in life our friends came first and everything else in life is a distant second.

At a time in her young life when she could've patted me on the head and said I'm sorry sis, on her way out the door to be with friends and a boyfriend, she cancelled plans with friends and said I really need to hang with my sister tonight. More than she will ever know in a lifetime, I am most grateful to her for that time. She did a lot for me during that period of my life.

And now here we are, I have my head on straight, life is wonderful and my baby sister is another year older.

Sista, I couldn't be more lucky than to have you in my life. I'll never forget finding out mom was having a baby and running straight across the playground the very next day to tell all my friends a baby was on her way. That excitement has never left. Life isn't perfect, but it's perfect because you have been through it with me. I love you and hope that you enjoy every minute of your birthday this weekend and every birthday to come.

From boo boo's to softball senior night, broken hearts, graduation, loving and loss. I'm glad you are there by my side.


Saturday, March 26, 2011


Today was a very special day for my son. He got to see his half brother that lives over an hour away from him and rarely gets to visit his "big brudder" he loves so much.

We met up with Nana Faye and "big brudder" Caelyn to spend an exciting day at Jump Mania! As soon as we get to Nana's, Hayden sees Caelyn, instantly runs to his arms with a present he bought for Caelyn before we arrived. "This is for you brudder" he says. Caelyn isn't much impressed with a bunny rabbit full of M&M's but he obliges his little brother and says "aww thank you buddy." This warms my heart as I see those two interact this way.

Caelyn will be 8 years old at the end of the month and I've been fortunate enough to know him since he was 4 years old. He's blessed with a wonderful mommy of his own and a great family where he lives. I still love this boy like he was my own; to get to see him grow up and be such a great big brother to my little guy.

Even with the distance between them and the infrequent visits they get, when I see them together, they just know. They are brothers. They love each other. Hayden still gets on Caelyn's nerves and while Caelyn gets annoyed, he's still his big protector. I got to see this over and over again today at Jump Mania while the other big kids were running around there is "big brudder" lifting Hayden into the big boy inflatables and playing with him.

While their situation isn't "perfect" it's what they have and my greatest wish for these boys is to know and love each other for a lifetime. And, to know that they are loved.

This made me think about my own siblings and how very different growing up was for me than it will be for Hayden. I grew up under the same roof as my brother and sister. I am the oldest of three, I was the big "protector." While we are all grown now I still feel like the protector. My baby brother is all grown up and living on an island (I know. Poor thing, right?) doing his own thing and has made his life all his own. I remember when he talked to me that day so many years ago now it seems that he wanted to go live in St. Thomas, The Virgin Islands. I thought to myself, how awesome it would be and how he needed to go and learn the world, but then I thought...this is another one of those things we do...and say...and wish...and stay right here at home anyway. I encouraged him 100% to go...and still in the back of mind I thought, he'll never do it, he'll never leave.

I was never so proud and tore up emotionally the next day when he showed up at our apartment with a plane ticket in hand. A one - way ticket. "He did it." I thought. He did it. He made up his mind and like that he was gone. I am proud of my brother that he lives on that big ole rock...and not because I like to brag to my friends that I have brother that lives on a permanent vacation, but because he made a decision about something and took initiative and left. He was young, (mostly) innocent :) and left everything and everyone he knew and loved to go find himself. The distance is killer at times when I'd like to talk and see my brother. We don't talk very often on the phone, neither one of us are big phone talkers. But once he walks through that door or gets off that plane, it's like he never left. We talk, we joke, we laugh, we cry, we drink, eat and party every chance we get until he has to leave us again.

My love for him never stops, never goes away. I always look forward to seeing him, even if it's just a few short days or even a few short hours.

This is what I want for Hayden and his brother. I want him to love and always look forward to those few short days or few short hours he may get to see his brother. I always want them to know. To know they are brothers and love with all they have. I hope the excitement from today lasts with them for a lifetime, no matter the distance between them.